Since moving into my new place, I've been lulled into a sense of complacency regarding the spider ninjas I normally encounter. I've seen a few lower-level scouts, but none that can compare to my former residence. All that came to an end two Fridays ago when I went downstairs to take a shower.
I was minding my own business, like I normally do, when something in my field of vision caught my eye. I glanced up at the top of the shower surround and noticed two legs suspended in mid-air above the shower wall. After staring intently at the legs for a minute, I determined that they were not moving and concluded that the spider was dead. Continuing my shower, I looked up at the legs every couple of minutes and was relieved to find their position unchanged.
I stared extra intently when I was about to wash my hair, since my eyes would be closed for the duration, making me vulnerable to attack. I washed my hair with lightning speed; soap suds and water flying everywhere. When I was done, I quickly looked up: the legs…had…moved.
I shut off the water and catapulted out of the shower in 0.0001 seconds flat. And then I heard it; high-pitched giggling coming from the top of the shower. I looked up and saw two orange glowing eyes glaring at me. It appeared to be a nemesis from the Yellow Sac order.
"Why were you playing dead? And what is that hanging around your neck?" I queried.
"That's none of your business!" he squeaked belligerently. "And these? These are my headphones," he said as he yanked the tiny speakers from around his neck and jammed them on his ears.
"Oh yeah? Why does a ninja need headphones?" I laughed.
"It's my workout music." he countered in a deadly whisper, yanking them back off his ears and cranking up the volume. Straining really hard, I could just make out the lyrics to House of Pain's 1992 hit "Jump Around."
"Seriously?" I chortled. "You're going to need better workout music than that if you think you can beat me. I've killed the best! I took down Kumonga, for Pete's sake!" I rushed to the other side of the room and grabbed an implement of destruction. I wasn't about to be bested by this amateur!
So I tried to kill him. And missed!!!!!
That little sucker could jump up and down and move faster than a dog in a bacon factory! And like the ninja he was, he vanished in a puff of smoke. What a disaster! I've been fighting spider ninjas since 2012 and have never missed a target. Until now. I searched and searched, but it was no use. I finally started some laundry and trudged back upstairs in defeat, hoping that I had somehow hit my mark and only failed to find the body.
A short time later, I remembered that I needed some hangers for my laundry, so I went back downstairs, only to find that part of the basement floor was now a pond! What in the world was going on?
Off in the distance, I heard some faint giggling and the obnoxious strains of "Jump around! Jump around!" My worst fears were realized – a spider ninja had gotten away.
