The Spider Chronicles - Shake, Rattle and Roll

My husband and I were enjoying a tv show this evening, when I happened to look up and saw a large spider rappelling down from the ceiling right in front of me.

We were both sitting in recliners and it was going to end up in my lap if I didn’t do something fast.  I couldn’t sit up or stand up because it was already too close.  I started scrambling further back in the chair (which isn’t easy to do in a recliner) when suddenly I felt the whole thing tipping over backward, with me along for the ride.  I cracked the back of my head on a table behind me and was pelted by falling debris from the side table that fell over with the recliner.  

I yelled from the floor, “Get it!  Get it!  Get the spider!”

I’m sure my husband thought I was crazy at this point.  He struggled to get up from his recliner and decided to pummel the bottom of my chair with a pillow in order to stun the spider into submission to give him time to get up out of the chair and kill it proper.

Meanwhile, I was trying to right myself by rolling off the back of the capsized chair and managed to crack my bad knee in the process.  I was laughing, crying and hyper-ventilating all at the same time.

My husband had managed to get up and was going to look for the spider on the floor.  Unfortunately, he didn’t close his recliner all the way.  It sprung open and knocked him in the legs, which made him lose his balance and stagger around, almost taking out the tv and cracking his bad shoulder.  More laughing, crying and hyper-ventilating, on my part, ensued.  

I went to the bathroom to collect myself.  When I came back, my husband informed me that it got away.  

This spider didn’t sing, didn’t dance, didn’t even talk to me, but my husband and I almost died trying to defend ourselves. 

Well played, Stealth Spider, well played.

The Spider Chronicles - Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Since it would be really boring for me to say, "I killed a spider," I write crazy stories instead.  Highly embellished, but sprinkled with truth, here is an installment of the Spider Chronicles for 2019.  Enjoy.

A short time ago, I was looking in the mirror and combing my hair after my shower.  Suddenly, I saw something large and dark fall from the bathroom ceiling behind me.  

I cautiously looked behind the trash can and saw a big reddish-brown spider.  Listening harder, I could hear it singing, “This old man, he played one, he played knick knack on my thumb…”

“What in the Sam Hill are you doing?” I demanded.  Shocked, the spider turned to look at me.  

“Oh! I’ve heard about YOU from the yellow sack spiders.  You always managed to get the upper hand with them, but not with me!” it squeaked.  With that, it tried to scuttle along the wall, but it was no match for the mighty flyswatter. 

After disposing of the body, I was lost in thought, disturbed that my nemesis had been in contact with spiders from the old country.  Just then, I noticed a swarm of brown ants on the wall by the trash can.  We had an ant problem earlier in the year, and seeing them made me irritated that they were back.

As I got closer,  I realized, to my horror, that they weren’t brown ants at all.  It was a swarm of about 50 baby reddish brown spiders!!!  That spider I killed wasn’t auditioning for a children’s tv show at all.  It was a mother singing to its babies!

I quickly jumped into action.  Grabbing a paper towel, I went on a massive killing spree.  The bathroom was filled with the din of their tiny screams of agony.  I was very thorough in my attack.  I was determined that not one would escape to warn headquarters.  

Finally, I was down to one last straggler.  It begged and pleaded.  Then it tried to bribe me with the promise of information on more of my enemies.

So I killed it.  Nobody likes a snitch.