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Every spring, when Minnesota weather is still trying to decide between winter and spring, the creepy crawlies scurry into the house during the cold and wet spells. My main nemesis: the yellow sac spider. Since it would be really boring for me to say, "I killed a spider," this spring I have been writing crazy little blurbs when I kill one. Highly embellished, but sprinkled with truth, the following is my collection know as "the spider chronicles." Enjoy.
March 30, 2012
As I reached to turn on the water in the shower this morning, I was suddenly confronted with a tap-dancing yellow sac spider singing "Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag-time gal." So I killed it. It's too early in the day for singing spiders.
April 25, 2012
My past caught up to me last night when a yellow sac spider confronted me asking where his singing and dancing soul brother was. I asked him what he did. He said he was part of a Mariachi band. So I killed him. It was too late at night for a spider with maracas.
April 30, 2012
As I was on my way out the door this morning, I was surprised to see a baby yellow sac spider wielding a pin-sized sword. So I asked him, "What is your schtick, peewee?" The baby stood it's ground and said "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." So I killed him. I didn't have time for melodramatic spiders.
May 5, 2012
As I shut off the light in the kitchen last night, I saw movement on the ceiling and heard the jingle of tiny carabiners. I quickly turned the light back on and saw a yellow sac spider, with the tiniest green beret ever, frozen in mid-air and staring back at me with a sheepish grin. "Oorah?" he squeaked in his high-pitched voice. "What on earth is going on here?" I countered. "That's classified, Ma'am" he said, trying to look menacing. So I cut his line and killed him. The only one doing a black ops mission in the kitchen after midnight is going to be me.
May 30, 2012
Waiting for a stop light on the way home from work Tuesday, suddenly a big gangly spider was boogeying across my windshield! I frantically reached for the button to put the window up, but not before I heard the theme from Shaft drifting in from the itsy bitsy boom box he was carrying. Next I scrambled for the windshield wiper to wipe him out of existence, but he just busted a few Deney Terrio moves, thumbed his nose at me, and boogied out of view. Canyadigit?
I try to avoid Microsoft products whenever possible, but it is usually inescapable at my place of employment. This morning I had the privilege of witnessing the logic of Microsoft "security" in action.
I started my work day like I always do, by logging on to the Microsoft network and opening Outlook to read any new mail. After that, it was time to start the real business of the day. Everything was running smoothly until about an hour into my routine. Suddenly, a dialog box popped up announcing that I needed to log into Outlook. Hmmm...I was already logged into Outlook and it was working just fine. I tried re-entering my password, but the box didn't go away. That was annoying. I finally clicked the close button to get rid of it. I hoped that was the end of it.
A short time later I found the need to look up something on the internet. I opened Explorer and tried to authenticate through the firewall. It told me my user name or password was incorrect. No they weren't. So I entered them again. And got the same error. Ugh! First mail and now the internet. I tried a couple more times but got the same error. Was there something someone wasn't telling me? Did I need to ask my boss if I still had a job? No no no. This was ridiculous. So I submitted a support ticket to our IT guru.
The guru replied a couple minutes later. My password had expired at 9:05 am and I needed to log in again. Are you kidding me? I could understand if the password expired and a new one was demanded at the next log in. Oh no, it just quit working.... without any explanation.... and locked me out of my account. Thank you, Microsoft. That made me feel so much safer. I no longer needed to worry about me stealing information from myself, because Microsoft had my back.
I'm not extremely familiar with Microsoft, but I seem to recall in the recesses of my mind that they had a annoying dancing paper clip at one time. I haven't seen it in the version we use at work, but my guess is that he is hiding in the code somewhere, waiting to mess with people when they least expect it.
