S.O.S.

The other night I was settling down to read a book before bed.  For me, that means a digital book on my phone.  

My neck and shoulders had been bothering me, so I asked my husband if I could borrow his phone clamp so that I could clamp it to the bed and have my phone closer to my face so I wouldn't put an extra crink in my neck by bending my head.

I clamped my phone in and then tried to find the best place to clamp it to the bed.  That was the part that didn't go so well.  It kept slipping off the bed frame or swinging around and almost pummeling me in the face.

Suddenly, a loud and horrific sound filled the room.  I didn't know what was going on!  Was it my husband's phone being obnoxious?  Did one of our cats turn on the tv in the living room to a search and rescue show? Was a S.W.A.T. team invading our home?  No!  It was my stupid phone wailing to high heaven.

I pulled it out of the clamp and nothing I did seemed to TURN. IT. OFF.  I kept pressing the side buttons trying to shut the phone down.  I tried telling Siri to stop.  JUST STOP.  Nope, that didn't work either.  It said "Emergency SOS" on the screen.

Both I and my husband were scrambling to shut it down before it dialed 911.  That didn't work either.  It finally got quiet and I pressed the side button some more.  Unfortunately, it got quiet because the phone had connected to a 911 operator and I had just hung up on them!

My phone rang then and my husband told me to answer since it was probably 911 calling back.  Sure enough, that's who it was.  I apologized profusely and the operator was just glad that everyone was ok.

Shortly after I hung up, the phone rang again from a number I didn't know.  I didn't want to answer it, so I handed my phone to my husband.  He answered it and found that it was another 911 operator.  Apparently, I'd hung up on more than one.  He apologized and said his wife was "playing with her phone."  Excuse me?  I was NOT playing with my phone.  Grumble.  Grumble.  

Shortly after he hung up with the second 911 operator, my phone rang again!  He answered and this time it was his dad, who had been notified through text that I was having an SOS Emergency.  

The only emergency I was having was trying to stop all this emergency dialing!  That was the end of the phone calls and then I went in and changed my settings.  I didn't realize that the phone had a feature to call your emergency numbers when the side button was pressed rapidly 5 times.  All that fumbling around with the phone clamp must have triggered this feature.

I tossed the clamp back to my husband and assured him I would be just fine reading my book without it.  

Just like the Hotel California

Today I went into the office for work instead of working from home.  It was a very busy Friday, and I looked forward to a nice trike ride home on my new motorcycle.  

Loaded down in motorcycle gear, I pushed open the suite door and confidently pushed the down button for the elevator.  Nothing happened.  No lights lit up, no sound of the elevators moving.  

Well, that’s odd, I thought to myself.  I went over and pressed the buttons on the other side but nothing happened there either.  What in the world?

I started racking my brain for any memory of an email telling us that the elevators would be shut down after hours today, but I couldn’t come up with anything.  I tried swiping my badge to get back into the suite to get the security desk’s phone number, but it was after hours, so of course, my badge didn’t work.

Now I was starting to get a little nervous.  I was trapped!  Trapped in an entryway with no way to leave; no doors were willing to open for me.

At least I had my cell phone with me.  I flipped through emails looking for the security desk number to no avail, so I decided to call my boss to try to get it.  I got her on the line and we both tried to find it.  I was tired and cranky and flustered and started raising my voice at the absurdity of it all.  

I also started getting mad because I could hear the cleaning crew on other floors making noise.  It occurred to me that the clean crew had probably locked down all the elevators to fill them up with refuse from various suites.  I could understand shutting down an elevator, but all 6 of them??!!??  I JUST WANTED TO GO HOME!  

Well, I think the cleaning crew heard me.  Immediately after ranting that I wanted to go home, I heard some more rustling and clunking from the cleaning crew and then magically an elevator started moving again.  I pressed the button and it actually lit up this time!

By now, I had set all my gear on the floor, so when the door opened, I had to scramble to put a piece of it in front of the sensor so that I could go back and pick the rest of it up.  I tossed everything in, rushed in myself, and pressed the button to take me down to freedom.

I still had my boss on the phone and she was willing to stay on the line until I was safely out of that funhouse of horrors, but by that time I was already at the ground floor and I practically jumped out of the elevator.  At that point, I hoped that nothing else would stop me from leaving the building, so I let her go back to her Friday evening fun.

I did make a detour to the security desk and complained.  I mean, if I had wanted to visit a Hotel California wannabe, there should have at least been some dancing and drinks.

The Spider Chronicles - Shake, Rattle and Roll

My husband and I were enjoying a tv show this evening, when I happened to look up and saw a large spider rappelling down from the ceiling right in front of me.

We were both sitting in recliners and it was going to end up in my lap if I didn’t do something fast.  I couldn’t sit up or stand up because it was already too close.  I started scrambling further back in the chair (which isn’t easy to do in a recliner) when suddenly I felt the whole thing tipping over backward, with me along for the ride.  I cracked the back of my head on a table behind me and was pelted by falling debris from the side table that fell over with the recliner.  

I yelled from the floor, “Get it!  Get it!  Get the spider!”

I’m sure my husband thought I was crazy at this point.  He struggled to get up from his recliner and decided to pummel the bottom of my chair with a pillow in order to stun the spider into submission to give him time to get up out of the chair and kill it proper.

Meanwhile, I was trying to right myself by rolling off the back of the capsized chair and managed to crack my bad knee in the process.  I was laughing, crying and hyper-ventilating all at the same time.

My husband had managed to get up and was going to look for the spider on the floor.  Unfortunately, he didn’t close his recliner all the way.  It sprung open and knocked him in the legs, which made him lose his balance and stagger around, almost taking out the tv and cracking his bad shoulder.  More laughing, crying and hyper-ventilating, on my part, ensued.  

I went to the bathroom to collect myself.  When I came back, my husband informed me that it got away.  

This spider didn’t sing, didn’t dance, didn’t even talk to me, but my husband and I almost died trying to defend ourselves. 

Well played, Stealth Spider, well played.

The Spider Chronicles - Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Since it would be really boring for me to say, "I killed a spider," I write crazy stories instead.  Highly embellished, but sprinkled with truth, here is an installment of the Spider Chronicles for 2019.  Enjoy.

A short time ago, I was looking in the mirror and combing my hair after my shower.  Suddenly, I saw something large and dark fall from the bathroom ceiling behind me.  

I cautiously looked behind the trash can and saw a big reddish-brown spider.  Listening harder, I could hear it singing, “This old man, he played one, he played knick knack on my thumb…”

“What in the Sam Hill are you doing?” I demanded.  Shocked, the spider turned to look at me.  

“Oh! I’ve heard about YOU from the yellow sack spiders.  You always managed to get the upper hand with them, but not with me!” it squeaked.  With that, it tried to scuttle along the wall, but it was no match for the mighty flyswatter. 

After disposing of the body, I was lost in thought, disturbed that my nemesis had been in contact with spiders from the old country.  Just then, I noticed a swarm of brown ants on the wall by the trash can.  We had an ant problem earlier in the year, and seeing them made me irritated that they were back.

As I got closer,  I realized, to my horror, that they weren’t brown ants at all.  It was a swarm of about 50 baby reddish brown spiders!!!  That spider I killed wasn’t auditioning for a children’s tv show at all.  It was a mother singing to its babies!

I quickly jumped into action.  Grabbing a paper towel, I went on a massive killing spree.  The bathroom was filled with the din of their tiny screams of agony.  I was very thorough in my attack.  I was determined that not one would escape to warn headquarters.  

Finally, I was down to one last straggler.  It begged and pleaded.  Then it tried to bribe me with the promise of information on more of my enemies.

So I killed it.  Nobody likes a snitch.

The Spider Chronicles - Return of the Ninja

Since it would be really boring for me to say, "I killed a spider," I write crazy stories instead.  Highly embellished, but sprinkled with truth, this is the first installment of the Spider Chronicles for 2015. Enjoy.

Since moving into my new place, I've been lulled into a sense of complacency regarding the spider ninjas I normally encounter.  I've seen a few lower-level scouts, but none that can compare to my former residence.  All that came to an end two Fridays ago when I went downstairs to take a shower. 

I was minding my own business, like I normally do, when something in my field of vision caught my eye.  I glanced up at the top of the shower surround and noticed two legs suspended in mid-air above the shower wall.  After staring intently at the legs for a minute, I determined that they were not moving and concluded that the spider was dead. Continuing my shower, I looked up at the legs every couple of minutes and was relieved to find their position unchanged.  

I stared extra intently when I was about to wash my hair, since my eyes would be closed for the duration, making me vulnerable to attack.  I washed my hair with lightning speed; soap suds and water flying everywhere.  When I was done, I quickly looked up:  the legs…had…moved.

I shut off the water and catapulted out of the shower in 0.0001 seconds flat.  And then I heard it; high-pitched giggling coming from the top of the shower.  I looked up and saw two orange glowing eyes glaring at me.  It appeared to be a nemesis from the Yellow Sac order.

"Why were you playing dead?  And what is that hanging around your neck?" I queried.

"That's none of your business!" he squeaked belligerently.  "And these? These are my headphones," he said as he yanked the tiny speakers from around his neck and jammed them on his ears.

"Oh yeah?  Why does a ninja need headphones?" I laughed.

"It's my workout music." he countered in a deadly whisper, yanking them back off his ears and cranking up the volume.  Straining really hard, I could just make out the lyrics to House of Pain's 1992 hit "Jump Around."

"Seriously?" I chortled.  "You're going to need better workout music than that if you think you can beat me.  I've killed the best!  I took down Kumonga, for Pete's sake!"  I rushed to the other side of the room and grabbed an implement of destruction.  I wasn't about to be bested by this amateur!

So I tried to kill him.  And missed!!!!!

That little sucker could jump up and down and move faster than a dog in a bacon factory!  And like the ninja he was, he vanished in a puff of smoke.  What a disaster!  I've been fighting spider ninjas since 2012 and have never missed a target.  Until now.  I searched and searched, but it was no use.  I finally started some laundry and trudged back upstairs in defeat, hoping that I had somehow hit my mark and only failed to find the body.

A short time later, I remembered that I needed some hangers for my laundry, so I went back downstairs, only to find that part of the basement floor was now a pond!  What in the world was going on?

Off in the distance, I heard some faint giggling and the obnoxious strains of "Jump around! Jump around!"  My worst fears were realized – a spider ninja had gotten away.

The Spider Chronicles 2013

Since it would be really boring for me to say, "I killed a spider," I have been writing crazy little blurbs when I kill one.  Highly embellished, but sprinkled with truth, the following are the Spider Chronicles for 2013.  Enjoy.

September 12, 2013

I shut off the shower, grabbed a towel, and looked down to see a hairy spider come scuttling toward me. I asked him if he knew who I was. He said that he had heard legends about me, but legends were made to be disproved. 

So I killed him. I may be naked, but I'm not defenseless.

October 8, 2013

As I was frantically rushing around the kitchen this morning getting ready for work, a spider suddenly came moonwalking out from under the stove singing in his high-pitched voice, "Billy Jean is at my door. She's just a girl..." He froze mid-step. I looked at him. He looked at me and squeaked, "HEE-hay," while busting a move.

So I killed him. It was too early in the day to witness a spider grabbing his crotch.

October 12, 2013

Spiders come in 3 sizes in my new home: medium, large, and….Kumonga. (http://youtu.be/Mo0jNw9LFLU) I have only had to battle Kumonga once, a few months ago, and I hope to never have that displeasure ever again.

Late last night, after entering the bathroom and searching the perimeter, (as I always do now since the spider ninjas like to ambush me there) I spotted one of the large beasts on the wall. He wore a hooded black cape and only his glowing yellow eyes could be seen. 

Unlike the medium ones, who like to sing and dance, the large ones prefer to stare silently. I immediately went on the defensive and demanded to know what he wanted. In a soft, deadly voice he said, "Your liver. With some fava beans and a nice Bordeaux."

So I killed him. I have zero tolerance for a spider who can't even quote a movie line correctly.

October 28, 2013

I walked into the bathroom and noticed a piece of fuzz on the floor. Then I squinted intently and realized it was a miniature version of the spiders that are normally trying to ambush me. His eyes darted nervously to me and then back to the floor.

So I interrogated him, "Do you sing and dance?"
"No!" His voice was high-pitched, like fingers on a chalkboard.
"Do you quote movies?"
"No!"
"Well, what DO you do?" I was starting to get irritated.
"I tell limericks."
"Oh?"
"Oh yes!" he squeaked. "There once was a lady in the shower, whose…"

So I killed him. There's nothing worse than a dirty peeping spider.

Close Encounter of the Bird Kind

This isn't about one of life's frustrations, but rather a pleasant surprise....

It was a beautiful start to my ride home tonight on my sparkly green trike (motorcycle.)  Poofy clouds in the sky, cool breezes and tree-lined city streets.

Suddenly, a pigeon flew out of one of the trees and down the street in front of me.  I wouldn't have given it a second thought, except right after the pigeon, a ginormous hawk swooped down out of the same tree, wings fully spread, chasing after the pigeon.

Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of hawks in the city.  But typically they hang out on top of the street lights, high above the freeways.  This was on a regular city street – flying right beside me in the next lane over!  I'm just not used to seeing them that close.  It's wingspan was huge!

I did a double-take as it flew beside me, thinking that's not something you see every day!  The hawk did a double-take looking at me, probably thinking the same thing.

And the pigeon was probably thinking....I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!

I just wish I could have gotten a picture of that breath-taking bird of prey.